I just recently came across a book named “The subtle art of not giving a f*ck” by Mark Manson. I was at the Schiphol airport waiting for my flight back to Denmark, absolutely drained and stripped off my hopes and illusions. Therefore it is easy to understand why I picked this book /along with The asshole survival guide by Robert I. Sutton/. I simply needed to not give a f*ck and ease the situation. If any of you thought about reading it but didn’t make the “yes” decision, do that. In a way – it doesn’t tell you anything new, but it does serve you those information in a strangely comforting way.
It definitely made me re-assured that the way I’ve been thinking about certain events is right.
Isn’t life just so funny? It is like a colourful beaded necklace. One bead in a time. If you miss one of them, the whole pattern will change. Then again – maybe you will get similar results, but never the same.
Pro tip – when I feel really down, I remind myself of this text from Pillow Thoughts II –
Let me give you few examples from my life, which made me realise how thankful I am that certain wishes didn’t come true even if back then in times I would convert to a church or start esoteric practices, just to achieve what I believed was right and good for me.
Those experiences are exclusively from my dating life – there you can see what a f*ck ups I’ve had the pleasure to meet and maybe have a laugh together with me. Because comedy = tragedy + time.
The Bipolar Narcissist – In late 2017 I went on Tinder and met a guy. So unusual, right? Very charming, good looking, smart, funny and the chemistry was great. Of course he seemed to be oh-so-mysterious and it made me interested even more /I am just a girl after all/, so I went full on crazy about him and thought he is the best human being in the whole world and didn’t understand how he can be so talented and well educated and – interested in me. The whole “relationship” lasted till about May 2018 with several mood swing episodes and push-pulls. When I got to know he is also diagnosed with NPD and he shared his stories about how he treated his ex girlfriends, I knew it is time for me to really listen to him, thank him and run.
Do not get me wrong – I still adore him to this day for opening up to me and overcoming his nature. I was down for a while, but lesson learned – I did get to know that after few previous abusive relationships, I finally found the strength to put “ME” in the first place. I spent too much time crying and trying to fix things that cannot be fixed. I knew it is a battle you cannot win, even if you give 200% of yourself. Since he was very open about his Bipolar Personality Disorder from the very beginning, I started being curious about the whole mental health world and it helped me understand so many more things. Also he introduced me to yoga – which I cannot imagine living without and as you might know – am planning my trip to India this year. Thank you.
The Comedy Daddy – This was definitely not a relationship I was fully invested in, anyway it also made me see how great it is to have luck in your unluckiness. A while after my NPD boy, I hooked up with one of my old friends who is doing stand-up comedy. All was going great, it was just bit of fun and crazy nights. After few weeks spent together he went to travel for a bit. He would text me the whole time how he misses me and cannot wait to do all the things together when he is back. Until he visited country number 3 – then all of this just stopped. Even when he was back in town, I could see him sneaking around the bar I am working in, and trying to be invisible so I do not notice him. Of course I did notice. So my girly nature kicked in and I texted him to let him know I do not find his behaviour very cool – his response was quite attacking. Think I did hit the ward. Later that week I met up with one of our common friends and she told me what I was already thinking – he went to country number 3 to visit a girl which was actually quite hating on me /she obviously didn’t like the fact that we are hooking up while she has a crush on him/.
Long story short – he cut me off, blocked me, never spoke together again. I wasn’t completely crushed but of course I couldn’t help myself and think what did I do wrong or what happened. Anyway about three weeks ago another common friend of ours told me he is going to be a father – and the hater girl is quite pregnant already. Quick math – it happened in the summer during the time he was ignoring and blocking me. How am I lucky? It is not me being pregnant. I hope I won’t get any aggressive comments from mommas how there is nothing wrong about it. No, there is not. If you want it. #preferences
The Narco Killer – What a nickname, aye? But really – not that far from truth. In October last year I met a guy who was visiting the town I live in because of his work duties. He got two weeks in here and so we bonded fairly quick. Right off the bat he took it quite full on – telling me he is obviously drinking a lot, doing cocaine every day and has been in prison for 5 years as when he was a teen, he happened to stab a guy who kinda didn’t manage later on in a hospital. Also got a daughter back home. That’s quite a package, anyway I appreciated the honesty and you know what Oscar Wilde said – Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future. And obviously he managed to learn from it, got his degree in a prison and has a nice job. We had a blast – a lots of nice dinners, drinks, sex, laughs, cuddles and bonding over the sad parts of life. Also me picking up bags of cocaine after him losing it from his pocket in a local supermarket. Me, running from his hotel room in the middle of the night as his drug indulged paranoia took over him, and he running after me in his underwear locking himself out of the room. Dream. We got it all. Please sense the sarcasm.
After our 2 weeks he went back to his country and we stayed in touch for several months. I was surprised as he would seriously text me almost every day. In January this year he was visiting Amsterdam because of his work again. That said he asked me if I fancy seeing him and he would pay me for the flights. I said yes as I did actually like the guy despite his demons. You probably already know how it ended up – the first evening we argued and he left me in front of the hotel with nowhere to go. Dream holiday and sh*t tons of money spent on another accommodation.
Now what is the lesson over here? Don’t go with drug addicts. Ha, no, that is not the lesson, even if it maybe really should be. I would say that it made me stronger in – again – putting myself first. Yes, you may think I was stupid to even give him a chance when literally everyone around me told me not to do that. But I would regret it. I rather took the risk knowing it might end up in tears, than wondering if something great would have happened. And you know what? Something great DID happen. I was left alone in Amsterdam, city I knew no one in. I was taking the boat cruise alone, when there were couples and love boats for people in love everywhere around me. Yes, I did feel sorry for myself. I was supposed to be one of them! But I was not. If I had the option I would have changed my name to Bridget Jones or something like that. I was alone, broken hearted and lonely… Or was I really? Just because he left me, I met so many warm hearted strangers that till this day it makes me feel incredibly grateful. I went for a shisha in the city centre and one of the bartenders just started chatting with me. After I shared what happened, he offered his company. No, nothing disturbing. He took me out for a dinner /even if I couldn’t eat much as I do lose appetite while stressed/ and to his friend’s birthday party. Introduced me to lots of other people and made sure I have fun. Then I left to another place and got to talk to another bartender – with who I am still exchanging messages. I did gain what we can maybe call – faith. And friends. If I ever go to Amsterdam again, I know I won’t be alone. Actually if I ever go anywhere in this world – I simply AM NOT alone. There’s so much goodness out there. You just have to go and seek it.
So that’s about it! I hope you had a bit of laugh or maybe my words did plant a seed in your mind. If you have any similar experiences, feel free to share so we know we all are in this together, because sometimes it is the only thing you need to know 🙂
P.S. Illustration is mine so if you wanna use it, please ask or at least give the credit.